You Left Me Alone

April 2, 2001 was the worst day of my life. I lost my mom and doubt I'll ever be that sad again. I don't like to fixate on the day of her death, but rather enjoy April 15th each year-her birthday. However, I can't pass the day and pretend as though it never happened. Without thinking about it, I have emotions and thoughts of her. I am a very unemotional person-not that I'm dead inside or anything. I know people who cry all the time, but I rarely do except when I think about my mom. She was the best mom ever. I have so many memories of her that sometimes it hurts and I wish more than anything she could just be here. Anyone who knew her could attest to her fairness, goodness, and her giving personality. My mom had struggles like any other person and I watched her work through those. Her strength is amazing to me. She endured a lot over the years yet she always persevered. Even at the end of a long battle w/breast cancer, she stayed positive and kept the faith going. Some of my best memories are when I lived with her in Utah and Kala got to spend tons of time with her "Bopi." Kala loved my mom like a second mom-which she was to Kala. Mahkala was 3 1/2 when my mom died, but she clearly remembers sitting on her bed eating eggos dipped in my mom's hot chocolate (still one of her favorite breakfast choices), watching movies, or going to the doctor with my mom when she got shots and Kala would get a band-aid too. My mom loved her grandchildren so much. She used to laugh when Mahkala would throw temper tantrums and bang on her door and yell, "Little Pig. Little Pig..let me out!" I was so frustrated and bothered by Kala's behavior but my mom simply replied, "Karma." I know I deserve a lot for what I put my mom through and sometimes I know she's laughing in heaven as we all attempt to raise our children. How my mom managed to raise 6 children is beyond me....Kala takes so much energy as is. She did so much for all of us that at times I try to fathom how she did it but I can't: soccer games, mutual, dragging us to church every week year after year, getting us to school (usually 3 diff. schools), baking goodies for parties, throwing b-day parties, making costumes, taking me to gymnastics practice & meets, making sure we didn't kill each other, dinners, dealing with us when school wasn't in, halloween parties, gingerbread houses, etc. She truly was an amazing person. She was giving, caring, patient, humble, forgiving, and friendly. To this day if I meet someone who knew my parents, they will praise how wonderful my mom was. I was in Save Mart once about a year after my mom died and when I paid the woman asked me if my mom was Mary Ellen. She was guessing since I was "Maxwell." Once I told her yes, she just gushed about how she loved my mom and what a great person she was. I had to run to the car because I didn't want to cry in public. After my mom passed away, one of my sisters revealed that she left each one of her 6 kids and 8 (at that time) grandkids a journal. I lived with her and had no idea she made those. I think she hid them under her bed. Well let the tears flow again. I keep this near my bed. She filled my journal with report cards, pictures, letters I had written her, and pages and pages of daily entries she wrote to me when she was sick. To leave something so precious to her children is something I will always treasure. Kala keeps hers next to her bed as well. She calls it her "Bopi book" She loves to read the entries from my mom and laugh at the silly things she'd say and do when she was 2. I've written in it a few times but I'm not as good as my mom was. I love that I have many mementos of my mom around my house....artwork, pictures, furniture, etc. Eric knows these are things I probably won't ever give up! My mom taught me so many things. Not by lecturing me but by living her life that way. I wish all the time that my mom was around so we could go to lunch to talk about things, go to the movies, shop, have dinners, lie in bed, etc. There are so many times when I feel I need my mom when things get a difficult. I'm very lucky to have 3 wonderful, older sisters who I can turn to as well as some of my mom's friends who I still communicate with. No one can ever replace my mom, but I'm grateful to have other strong women in my life who knew my mom as well, if not better, than me. We have a joke with the 3 sisters that sometimes when we cry if we are sad about my mom we say "You left me alone." When the cancer came back my mom held on for almost a year and a half. Well for the most part my mom continued on in a somewhat normal manner and lived her life. However the last week was the time she needed all of us and we took care of her. Everyone in my family, including my mom's mom and sisters came to Utah to help. There were times that week when I was blow drying my hair and I'd just start crying. Since I blow dry my hair upside down I had mascara up on my forehead after that. We laugh about it but we'd still cry. Well last night I sent an email to all my siblings with a picture Eric sent me. He's in Utah and he took beautiful roses to my mom's grave. He knows I wish I could visit more. He is a wonderful husband and I know my mom would agree. So thank you bebe (eric) for that. I love you. Just a coupld wonderful memories of my mom:
-shopping trips to San Diego/San Fran.
-Hawaii in the summer
-Parties
-Mother's Day 2000
-traveling to oroville with her just the two of us
-Madame Alexander dolls
-buying her Mary Engelbreit stuff
-giggling about Steven in Utah
-baking
-visiting her in the BYU bookstore
-watching her play with kala in the morning while I got ready for school
-arguing with her (not always fun but that's the dynamic of a daughter/mother relationship)
-our all girls cruise to bermuda
-sleeping with her when i was sad or lonely
-lying with her exactly 8 yrs ago today on her bed just praying a miracle would happen and when it didn't knowing she is no longer in pain and in a better place (even though I'm VERY selfish and still want her here)
I miss her more than I can explain but I'm grateful I had her for 22 years and strive to be like her. My favorite quote ever is from a book I bought her for Mother's Day one year.
"Not only when did I become a mother was then that I learned to be a daughter." So true.